I can't go back..

It used to piss me off when one of my friends who studied abroad was back in Bahrain for holiday and would complain the whole time about how they wanted to go back to wherever it was that they studied in. It would get on my nerves and I felt them to be pretentious and annoying.

I resisted being that person for the last 10 or 11 months.. but I couldn't be that way the last time I was on the island. And it finally hit me why my friends were like that when they were home to visit. It wasn't because they felt they were too good for Bahrain anymore or even because they think any other place is "better" than bahrain. It wasn't even because they didn't love their friends or family. It was simply because of a feeling. This feeling of hopelessness that bahrain gives to a person when they live there. Its a dead-end feeling, a pointlessness feeling. When you live there, you do not become immune to this feeling, it just becomes a way of life. I don't blame bahrainis to be known to always complain about anything and everything. hell, I used to.. I don't anymore.. not here anyway..

I do not live the most lavish or exciting life in England. I really don't do much. I do more in Bahrain than I do here. I guess I don't get bored that easily. I never really complain that I'm bored in Bahrain because Bahrain is not a boring place, it is just a place that takes away all your freedom and happiness and hope and tells you you're an idiot for having all these things.

And because I am doing my research for my dissertation, I can't help but connect the aspect of culture into this. Bahrain is a collective culture, people move in herds, they think in groups and their habits and beliefs are not their own. Bahrain is a country with people that are defined by what group they belong to. An opinion that automatically appears in ones head is the opinion of the group that one belongs to. There is no room not to belong to a group in Bahrain because if you do, you shall be an outcast. Labelled. condemned. hated. talked about. and destroyed.

I never could belong to a collective group and once you are exposed to a culture like the one in England where it is an individualistic culture, a light shines in a persons mind and there is no going back.

I always believed I was different. But not in a good way. I always thought that there was something wrong with me as I never felt I belonged and never felt comfortable. you see, in Bahrain, I have developed modes to be in. These modes depend on which group I am spending time with. I have a different mode for parents, one for other adults, one for old people, one for religious people, one for "non-religious" people, one for friends, one for dad's side of the family, one for moms side of the family, one for work, one for play, one for girls night out, one for when I hung out with the boys... etc. These modes that I have developed almost made me lose my identity as I did not know which mode was the real me. But I've come to realize that these modes did not mean that I was changing myself to please anyone or to fit in anywhere, they were like a survival mechanism. They exist for me to be able to go through life without encountering problems. This was the best way I could see fit to live in peace.

Then I come here and all I had to do was be myself. One mode. May Mode. I don't have to fake a smile or a mood, or think too much about how much I would offend the person I am talking to by my sometimes vulgar sense of humor. I don't get looks for saying something I shouldn't be saying. I could go out with my professor for a coffee to discuss my dissertation without having to worry about where I'm going, what I'm wearing, who will see me and what they will think about me. I could just be......

I understand these people. They don't stare, they don't care to gossip, and even if they do...... no one gives a flying fuck what anybody else is saying. When a person wants to be my friend, they can just come up to me and say hi! exchanging numbers does not mean what it means back home. people don't stare here as they consider it to be  rude. I.DO.TOO. I never understood the flirting methods in Bahrain. When a person is staring at me, is that considered flirting? because I always think that there's something wrong with the way I look. I feel self conscious and just leave. How do people exchange numbers without having even one conversation with the other person. what does it mean when a guy follows you in his car. stalker much? ... I never could adapt there. I never understood there. and with Bahrain, I really doubt I could ever believe any guy who wants to 'date' me because what is dating really? phone dating? wtf?... there's always this energy or look about boys back in Bahrain where you know they are sleazy. they have bad thoughts about you and they think badly of you. I don't know if I imagine this shit. I just know how I feel when I am standing in starbucks Saar waiting for my coffee.

But I suppose the most significant point of difference that has expanded my mind infinitely is one I could only explain by telling you a story: When I was doing architecture at the University of Bahrain, I went to my professor regarding a certain project I was working on, an idea i had was to create a curved window. one where its expanded outwards but instead of connecting several rectangular windows to create the outwards half cylinder look, I wanted it to be just one piece of glass. My professor said NO. This cannot be, you must do it the right way. I argued with her about this, I told her that I researched and there is development of this new kind of glass where it was stronger than plastic and could possibly withstand turning it into an arch. she said no. do it the traditional way. the way that people know. so I gave up and did it their way.

fast forward several years later till 2010, I am talking to my professor in the middle of class and telling him how people would not accept the brand we have created for a certain client and how people are used to things in a certain way and this could cost us our grade, and he looks at me and simply said: make it happen.

DO YOU see the difference in attitude? I believe that this is why we're at a standstill in the middle east. we do not believe in thinking outside the box and we do not make things happen. We just continue the ways of tradition and we don't accept the possibility of change, whereas here, the sky is the limit.

I refuse to go back to a place that would shoot me and my ideas down and try to turn me into the norm. I don't want to be the same as I realized here that I am special and liked and appreciated for the person that I am. my ideas are respected by educated and successful people and are taken into consideration. I am not saying that England is without fault, I am just saying that when weighing out the pros and cons, for me, I belong here more than I belong there.